WHY A JEWISH MOTHER SHOULD BE PRESIDENT

Ben Carson, a retired nuero-surgeon who is running for President on the Republican ticket, recently got himself in a bit of hot water by saying, “I would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation. I would absolutely not agree with that.”

To many, he simply voiced what they were thinking. Others, however, were outraged (I’m guessing you might have a sense who the ‘others’ are).

As you might imagine, Carson’s statement stirred a bit of a debate. To get the skinny on how American’s ‘truly’ feel, the pollsters hit the streets for answers and here’s what one firm (Rasmussen Reports) discovered:

  • More than half of ‘likely’ U.S. voters, 51% to be exact, said they would not be willing to vote for a Muslim president.

Interesting… This got me thinking about two things:

1) How honest are people really going to be when asked such a poignant question? Those who have openly bad-mouthed the Muslim culture in the past have not fared too well (death threats, actual death, ostracizing, etc.) so, anonymous or not, folks might be a bit reticent to reveal what they’re actually thinking… my guesstimate is that this number is a LOT higher.

2) How ‘likely’ would U.S. voters be to put a Jew in charge of the ‘free world’? (Before the hate mail starts rolling in, I’m a Jew – I can openly contemplate such things.)

While we’ll never be able to get to the bottom of the answer to the first question (hell, maybe I’ll run a poll on this as an exercise in futility), the answer to the latter question varies wildly.

In one poll, 92% of the population said they would vote for a Jew. In another, just 22% said they would.

Perhaps I’m a bit biased here, but I’m thinking that a Jewish mother would make for an ideal President of the United States. Here are the pros:

  • Jews are good with money (it’s true, we are).  
    • We’re earners and savers by nature (might have something to do with the fact that we still live in fear that some dickhead is going to convince everyone that our people are the devil and we should all be eliminated from the face of the planet – therefore, we stash our dough so it’s easily accessible just in case we need to run for cover).

Translation — she’d have the budget balanced in no time flat. Every check written would be thoroughly scrutinized and any expenditure that failed to provide a meaningful ROI would immediately be nixed.

  • Jewish moms are ninja-like operatives in ensuring that the outcome they want is secured.
    • How else can you explain that, for generations, our people have had to endure eating slimy goo (gefilte fish) and pretend that we actually like it? Bite after bite, we were forced to smile and provide uplifting affirmations such as, “This might be your best gefilte fish yet.” and “Can I please have seconds?” Curiously, after enough time of our taste buds being tortured, many of us actually do enjoy it now, albeit with a pound of horseradish to disguise what lies beneath.  

Translation — she won’t stand for any mishegas (insanity or craziness). Get out of line on bubbe’s watch and shit’s going to hit the fan.

  • Integrity, honesty and upholding one’s word would finally be instilled into the political arena.
    • Jewish mothers possess one of the most insidious, most diabolical, most fear-inducing traits of any species that inhabits this planet. It’s known as Jewish Guilt. Holy hell – there is nothing more bone chilling than disappointing a Jewish mother. If you’ve ever experienced this phenomenon, I need not utter another word. Forget about hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes or fires, the most powerful force of nature in existence is the guilt of a Jewish mother.

Translation — politicians the nation over will honor their commitments, walk their talk and bring to fruition the initiatives they put forth. Because if they don’t… God help them.  

And, here are the cons:

  • My mom might actually read this one so, I swear on my zaide’s (grandfather) life, I can’t identify a single concern whatsoever in having a Jewish mother as President.

We can argue until the Sabbath as to who would make for the best President of the United States – Muslim, Jew, African-American, Hispanic, Asian, woman, paraplegic, or LGBT – and there will never be a right or a wrong answer.

Fact is, there is someone in each community who could confidently, and capably, balance the budget, eliminate our debt, lead this country back into prosperity, and empower the good ‘ol U.S. of A. to heal its wounds and reestablish its footing as the respected global societal and economic superpower it once was.

And, there are millions more in each community who would bury this nation in less time than it takes to binge watch Breaking Bad.  

So, I say let’s find ourselves a Jewish mother to enter the Presidential fray and, perhaps, she’d even be elected…

Ah, who am I kidding? After 8 years of Obama, you damn well know that another white Republican male will be taking office in 2016.

Shalom my brothers and sisters.